Dear Uri Geller,

What’s up? We haven’t heard from you in a while here in the real world. I hope all is well.

I’m writing because I heard recently that you’re back in the spotlight with a new TV Show that you’re sharing with Criss Angel called Phenomenon. Although I’m just a small time blogger, I’d like to do what I can to help you promote it. And I thought what better way to help you out than to show your past successes, such as that one from when you were on The Tonight Show more than 30 years ago and had a chance to prove to the American public that you weren’t like those other frauds: you were for real.

I apologize that I couldn’t find a more exact clip, Mr. Gellar, but it seems that you’ve removed all of them from YouTube, probably using some of those paranormal powers you’re so famous for. So, unless you want to see James Randi come up with his strange explanations for how you perform your miracles (why does he have to make it so complicated? It’s clearly just magic), go ahead and skip to about 6 minutes in.

Well, there’s no question here. That jerk Johnny Carson was sending evil psychic waves your way, expecting you to demonstrate your claims on television in front of everybody with all that pressure. How can he possibly expect you to do the things that you say you do? That couldn’t possibly have been why he invited you on the show. And also, giving you that cursed silverwear… Carson was clearly a master of the black arts.

But now, on your own playing field with your own show, I hope you show him up and prove once and for all that there is such thing as make believe. Good luck to you, Mr. Gellar: your outrageous claims and parlor tricks are all the proof that I need to know that you’re for real.

Your pal,
The Sexy Secularist

P.S.: Would it be inappropriate to ask you to spoon me?