A young Christian (poorly) designed a science experiment with the intention of measuring the morality of Christians and non-Christians. This included a delightful questionaire evaluating our morals. Hey, ho, let’s go!

1. Have you ever spoke the name of our Lord in vain?

God, no.

2. Have you ever killed another human being?

No, but I do have a NYTimes watch alert for a few obituaries. I plan on celebrating a few deaths.

3. Have you every lied?

Does the Pope shit in the woods?

4. Have you ever had relations before marriage?

Not as much as I’d like, but yes.

5. Do you go to church every Sunday or once a week?

Only when my IBS is acting up.

6. Do you wish you had more stuff?

…no, actually. (Sorry, no funny response, unless attractive women who are interested in me can count as “stuff”)

7. Do you gossip?

Constantly.

8. Do you give to charity?

Every now and then I throw a bum a dime.

9. Do you listen to rap or heavy metal music?

Bitch, I write heavy metal music!

(Obviously, my idea of what constitutes heavy metal is different from what, say, a cool person would think.)

10. Have you ever had an abortion or been pro-choice?

I’ve encouraged my own mother to seek retroactive abortion services.

11. Have you ever read Harry Potter or Spiderwick Chronicles or the Golden Compass?

No! I’m a good girl, I am.

12. Do you see movies with unwholesome content?

These are just getting silly now.

13. Do you pray every day?

I’m going to echo Mr. Hitchens’ remarks on prayer, noting that I pray for it almost daily.

14. Do you believe that God is the creator of heaven and earth?

Yes, yes! God in heaven, YES!

15. Are you overweight because you eat too much?

I’m at the heaviest I’ve ever been in my life: 128 lbs. And I’m 5′9″. And I’m male. Do you think I’ve ever been overweight?

That having been said, I eat like a horse and drink like a fish – gluttony needs no outward indicators.

16. Do you take pride in accomplishments other than service to God?

My proudest accomplishments are all songs I wrote specifically opposing theistic religions.

17. Do you put God and Jesus first?

At the guillotine?

18. Do you view pornography?

Yesterday I was shocked to discover that I had spent more than two hours of the day viewing pornography. (I only have one class on Fridays, and a jam session was cancelled.)

19. Do you practice temperance in every thing you do?

See answer to above.

20. Are you quick to anger?

Of course not.

I think that this kid has a rather warped view of morality. There is no stealing on the list; there is no pedophilia or rape; there is nothing to do with forcing other people to do something they would not do. You won’t even find questions to do with violence, short of killing people – so beating your children or spouse is probably alright, so long as you don’t say “Jesus” while you do it. Spying and eavesdropping seem to be alright. I wonder why his sunday schoolings never covered these aspects of morality?

Incidentally, homosexuality seems to be okay, as long as the couple is married. Maybe his church is progressive after all. Right.