First off, to all our readers and non-readers, friends and enemies, secularists and fundamentalists, I offer a sincere Merry Christmas. After all, even though this holiday does seem to have religious origins, you’ll be hard-pressed to find any sort of religion associated with it anymore. Between Santa Claus and snowmen and those Christmas tunes largely written by Jews, it’s pretty clear that Christianity’s ownership of the holiday has been usurped by corporate America. Whatever the true meaning of Christmas may be to you, for me, it’ll be a day to get caught up on grading papers and move ahead in planning lessons. Thank you, Jesus!

So I thought, in order to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, why not look to the stars? He is, after all, a Capricorn (if you believe he was born on December 25th, which many do not, but nevermind), and I uncovered some very interesting things about Capricorns from my most astrological of sources, Wikipedia.

The Capricorn person is prudent, responsible, realistic, very wise, formal, patient, methodical, disciplined, traditional, cautious, conventional, hard-working, persevering, ambitious, dedicated, focused, honest, dependable, serious, self-reliant, businesslike, career-oriented, authoritative, conscientious, and competent.

Well, no argument here. Many of Jesus’ teachings are very wise, to say the least. That whole “Judge not lest ye be judged” is awesome as is the golden rule. I would take a bit of exception to his being honest but, you know, it’d be his word against mine and I know I’m not going to win any moral battles against Jesus Christ. Also, I don’t think he’s that dependable anymore, though I think that a bone should be thrown his way, seeing as he was killed about 2000 years ago. I think competent, another trait ascribed to Capricorns, is probably more appropriate.

They can also sometimes be rigid, suspicious, status-seeking, demanding, insensitive, inhibited, cold, dry, aloof, lack of emotional depth, possessive, self-conscious, materialistic, narrow-minded, vindictive, bitter, lacks hope, melancholy, controlling, harshly critical, restricting, calculating, and saturnine.

Hmmm… these really put the teachings of Jesus in perspective. I mean, I’ve certainly seen many of these traits in specific Christians (and, for fairness sake, Atheists also), but in the big guy? I don’t know. Since he gets mad when I touch myself, I think that probably qualifies as harshly critical and he is quite controlling, especially considering he very well might not have existed as a single person. And demanding? Jesus Christ, I’m not all caught up on theology, but from what I’ve heard, I think he wants us to vote republican.

Suitable occupations are where responsible, patient and economising qualities can be exercised; such as scientist, engineer, manager, civil servant, mathematician, farmer, builder, politician, director.

I’m sure it’s just an oversight that Wikipedia overlooked “deity,” but considering some of the directors and politicians I’ve heard about, I think it probably belongs next on the list.

These astrology guys are on to something here, there were a ton of hits in this brief analysis, which must mean that those people who want to question the notion that Jesus was born on December 25th are plain old nuts. He’s clearly a Capricorn and I’ll eat my hat before I accept that the big JC was a Leo.